© Copyright 1-8-06 by 45 mike Anderson
The feelings trapped inside the desperate soul can make attractive, courses of action that cause pain and despair and death.
Even depressed as I am, I can feel tinglings of concern of others for my health and happiness, however I cannot bring myself to trust those tinglings, and all is in doubt, except the prison of loneliness I have built around my pain.
Fleeting moments of contact outside my own mind are quickly lost to the doubts and fears that rise like a rising tide in my days and nights.
I make a mask of competence that assumes an air of peace and contentment with my position. The ugly countenance of the mask is only seen from the inside, stinking with filth, scarred with bloody painful rending of attempts to escape. My mask is my prison, constructed to protect me from appearing weak or vulnerable to a hostile uncaring world.
Is this a hostile and uncaring world? Yes, I know that it is. I see the pain and defeat of souls that could not be defended, and they perish.
Is there no caring or comfort from others who would share moments of beauty and happiness? Yes I think so, I have shared those moments.
The only way to know if a knock upon the window of the soul is an affectionate beckoning to come out and play, or the solemn torture of a predator patiently waiting in the shadows, is to open the door, and venture out.
In the wild, one must be wary, and ready to flee or do deadly battle at an instants notice. The innocent victims will not consent to play with one who affects the guise of a predator in defense.
Curled in a dark corner is a gentle notion protected by walls thickened with years of considered defense. Hidden within ugly history, written in anxieties of failures, moments of hope dash and dance fitfully in the decay of dreams long dead.
Moments turn to minutes, then to years. Near the end of time, the shadows deepen even in the gardens outside, and no flowers or sunshine await, no knock upon the window, no sound of laughter.
Ending awaits, and darkness turns to nothing.